What am I doing here?

Don’t actually ask yourself that question. It is scary as f***. The answer, for me, is usually “OMG I DON’T KNOW” followed by a mild mental breakdown.

I just want to be clear that, through this blog, I am not hoping to make light of mental illness. As someone who can’t seem to escape the spiral of anxiety, depression, and more, I am hoping to ground my own thoughts. Often, people say “anxious” or “mental breakdown” when they really mean “stressed” or “bad day”. I promise to only use this medical terminology when I mean it literally. So, when I say I’ve had three panic attacks this week, I mean just that.

I named my blog “Hey, Don’t Mind Me” for two reasons. First is because I’m clever and it relates to mindfulness. Get it? I know. Second is because I don’t intend to become an internet sensation (though, I must admit, that would be kind of cool). I intend to use this for my own, selfish purpose of processing my own hopes and dreams of being more mindful.

I know everyone “has their stuff”, there is no “normal”, etc. Still, I don’t think that everyone having issues really makes a person with mental illness feel better. I have tried to use that to make me feel less disconnected from those around me, but I don’t think that having problems in life is the same as having problems processing life. 

There! I found it! The difference I can never seem to put into words.

Yes, all people struggle with concrete problems and concerns. They get frustrated or sad, and they may even fall into a true state of depression. Still, without mental illness, they can generally process the thoughts to at least understand why they are frustrated, sad, mad, angry, stressed, etc. I still face daily problems, but my neurons hate me and can’t seem to process why I’m experiencing the emotions that are swirling in my mind.

My hope is that mindfulness can bring me a step closer to “normal”, which in this case refers to the ability to process my own problems. Right now I am stressed. I am stressed because of problems at my job that will mean finding a new job. I am stressed because my adorable rescue dogs keep pooping on the floor. I am stressed because I have been having panic attacks. Ironically, or not so ironically, panic attacks cause more distress. When will the next one come? Do I truly know why it happened? Did I do my best throughout and after the panic attack?

Anyway, that is my answer, without getting all meta and overwhelmed, to the question. That’s what I’m doing here.

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